She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
