Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
