There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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