that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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