I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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