I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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