I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
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