someone get that fucking seahorse.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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