from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Randomize
