You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
did i walk over a car last night?
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
