YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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