i just sent this text using only my big toe
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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