the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
