I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
