Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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