The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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