Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
