new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize