Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize