I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
