Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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