I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
