Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
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