I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
