my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
