Your face is a jimmy john
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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