i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
