Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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