I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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