im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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