I just made out with a guy for $7.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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