oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
