I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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