are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
