False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Is her dick bigger than yours?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
