Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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