I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
