I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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