Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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