The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
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