every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
You smell like a Billy Joel song
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
