This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Randomize
