I wish my penis had an off switch
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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