i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
