drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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