Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
