Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
