Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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