are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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