he wants to bone in the snuggie
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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