**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
