I looked at my own cervix.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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