I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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