When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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