She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
