I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
