Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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